R-CHOP

     Every time I stepped into Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center and Hospital  I was signing up for bad news and at least two needles shoved into my arms. One for blood draw (which I am still not used to) and the other for the IV that was put into my arm to deliver the chemotherapy. The treatment I was going to receive was called R-CHOP. You're welcome to click on the link there to see just what drugs are given within that treatment.
     Going into this you expect the worst--hair loss, nausea, weakness and all the other fun things that come with chemicals basically killing you from the inside out. I didn't expect to be asked if I had an advanced directive or if I wanted to make one while I was there. A fucking will? You want me to think about my death? I refused and moved on quickly trying to brush it off.
     Before I could start the treatment sessions (they lasted up to seven hours straight) I was given what felt like an extremely high dose of Benadryl through my IV as well as Claritin (an allergy medicine that helped reduce flu like symptoms (chills, etc.) that some of the chemicals induced) and Prednisone, which is a corticosteroid and quite possibly the worst tasting thing I've ever had ingest. I requested that I had an anti-nausea medication given to me as well before starting even if it didn't help as much as I wished it would. Unfortunately, the Benadryl always made me shake uncontrollably and nurses would cover me in multiple heated blankets thinking that would help. I don't think that ever made it totally better. Thankfully, by the end of my treatments I was able to request that Benadryl not be given to me.
     I can't for sure tell you just what made me sit or lie down (if I was lucky enough to get a private room with a bed as most of the chemotherapy stations were huge and uncomfortable gross blue chairs surrounded by a ton of other sick people) and do nothing for the many hours I was sitting there with an IV pumping nauseating chemicals into my arms. One of them has even been named "The Red Devil" chemotherapy drug (Adriamycin) by patients who receive it. This is because it is the cause of most of what makes chemotherapy terrible -- the nausea, the hair loss, etc. Most people would try to sleep for the entire time or watch a show on the tiny bad quality televisions that are hanging by your side. I couldn't just ignore the fact that something I had been scared of my entire life was really happening to me...and doing something as trivial as passing the time by watching a TV show seemed silly when I had my life to worry about. The nurses never seemed to understand why I was so upset but as a 20 year old just recently diagnosed I can't think of a single reason why I wouldn't be allowed to be scared. Maybe they're just so used to being surrounded by cancer and chemicals all day that it gets easier for them. For me, it never did.