Dear Anxiety/Sincerely, Someone Who Says "I Want to Die" Way Too Often

Everywhere I turn these days it seems like there's some sort of high stress situation waiting for me.

Whether it be starting up school again, going to work, dealing with family/friend drama, or just waiting for these cortisol test results, I'm pretty much in panic mode 70% of the day. I haven't had enough time in my day to deal with what I'm going through and what my friends are going through and it's pretty hard sometimes to just tell people you need some space to figure your shit out. I'm working on a nice way to word all of that without offending the masses. 

As for actual medical problemos, the hospital's lab won't have results for me until Monday (but that's Labor Day?) or Wednesday? so the waiting process to hear back about what is literally related to stress levels (among other things) is the worst. How am I supposed to maintain that healthy balance between a stressed out state and a normal state when it feels like my reaction to stressful situations never "shuts off"? At some point, telling yourself to "just breathe" doesn't really cut it anymore. 

                            

So if anyone has some tips and tricks to calm yourself down in high stress/high anxiety situations let me know. 

I'm not against the use of anti-anxiety meds (in moderation//and if prescribed by your doctor) but I'm barely the type of person to take Advil when I have a headache so taking something along the lines of Ativan, Xanax, etc. on a daily basis seems like a lot....and something tells me that repeatedly squeezing a stress ball in public places will probably only freak other people out (and also not be all that helpful anyways). 

                                     

                                     

Worrisome ranting // weird maybes

The best way I can sum up today's doctor's appointment is probably with a few tears and a little bit (let's be real--it was a lot) of pacing around small spaces.

I went in to my endocrinologist today hoping to just hear that -if anything- my thyroid med dosage would be upped a bit. No big deal (minus the fact that my heart rate is a little fast anyways so that even if I do technically need a bigger dose I need to weigh the good and the bad, etc etc.) Whatever.

I hadn't gotten labs done before this visit like I should have so I won't know for a little while how everything has been doing. However, since May I've lost *about* five pounds so I guess that's good.


Unfortunately, my cortisol levels are pretty high which could mean a few different things for me--

It could be linked to my use of birth control which sometimes throws off the levels from that test a bit...so I'll be taking a salivary test at the end of this weekend or early this upcoming week to send a better, more accurate test in to the lab. I'm hoping it's this.

If it's something bad, an option being tumor(s) in my brain or above my kidneys (FUCK FUCK FUCK), well, I guess we'll have to remove them somehow (Hi, I've been screaming internally for the past hour or so). If it's not, and please God let me just have this ONE, then we'll figure out the source of the problem and fix it the best way we possibly can.
Of course, like the anxious, high strung 22 year old that I am, I left the office calmly and once out of sight from my doctor proceeded to go into meltdown mode because *almost every time I have gone into the doctor and tried to hope for the best it hasn't gone all that well for me. That's me being a pessimist. Or not trying to jinx it. Or something. I don't know. I'm a little busy freaking out here.

Here are some anxious gifs to lighten the mood or make you more anxious or me more anxious or I DON'T KNOW:

I'll leave some updates here when I get them. Until then, I would appreciate some good luck sent my way. Or pillows to hold.