How does that make YOU feel?

A lot of the time while I was sick I was concerned about other peoples' feelings. I remember when I was first diagnosed there were a lot of tears---just not on my end. My mom was crying, my friends were crying, and I was the one telling them it was going to be okay.

                              

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to complain. It was easier for me to be focused on trying to make everyone else feel better than it was trying to figure out how bad I was actually feeling about the whole ordeal. Sometimes getting your mind off of it all is just a better coping mechanism. Sometimes it made me feel better hearing myself say "I'm going to be okay." Maybe I was starting to convince myself or do my best to cover up the fact that I was actually terrified that everything might go downhill. For now, "I'll be okay." Repeat that and it might just work. Fingers crossed?

                              

This all being said, when I was asked about how I was really feeling I had a hard time putting into words that people who weren't going through this could understand. I was tired but I couldn't explain to my friends without feeling embarrassed that sitting up in bed for ten minutes was more than I could handle and that I would love to see them for longer but I could not physically do it. I could not find the words to correctly express to another friend that going to a concert with her was nearly impossible for me---and that no, being in a wheelchair at it would not make the experience easier on me. I could not easily tell the person I loved most at the time that I "just needed them there with me" at treatments because they were the only person I would let see me like that. So I was better off just saying something along the lines of, "It's fine! I'm alive, aren't I? Don't cry!" or "Hey, I have treatment on this day... do you maybe want to come with me if you have the time? If not it's totally fine and I get it. I love you no matter what." or just not responding at all.

When the going gets tough.....sometimes you don't care about how other people feel. You spend your time wondering why other people are feeling so sad when YOU are the one dealing with the disease and going through all the treatments and experiencing all the side-effects. There are times where I was disgusted by things people would say to make my situation seem less shitty that were equivalent to that of an "it could be worse" sort of speech. And then there were times where I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I had no sympathy for people going through what I deemed a smaller problem. Of course, whenever anyone says "I shouldn't be complaining about my problem when you've gone through so much worse" I am torn between feeling badly because I know how it feels to be caught up in something that feels bad and problematic to you and feeling like...well..yeah...your boy toy not responding to you in not even in the same realm as me feeling gross post-chemo. But I too have been wallowing in my sad love life and know that it is still bad and still sad. Our problems and bad situations are all very different, but they are still problems and bad situations.