My last chemotherapy treatment was on Halloween of 2014 and I left with a sort of weird feeling in my stomach. Yeah, I was nauseous, sure. But that wasn't it. I just didn't feel done. But I was. I hopefully still am.
When my taste slowly returned, I was happy to have it back so I started to eat everything I had missed the taste of.
I was finally able to eat "things that came from the ground" again so I had lettuce in an Urth Caffé sandwich and onions and lettuce in my In-n-Out double-double and I only worried a little!
When I got the feeling back in my hands I was happy my handwriting didn't look like a four-year-old boy's. Just in time for school notes! Yay...school...
My hair started to grow back and it was weird because it short and curly and I hated it so I wore a wig for a while...but it was growing back. IT WAS GROWING BACK. (but I had to deal with the beginning of school and wearing a wig so that was frustrating....BUT IT WAS GROWING BACK.)
Scans kept coming back looking just fine but I was always scared before I got the news that something would come up active. So scans were okay and I was still okay and I still didn't need any more treatment. Cool. Breathe.
Getting better is hard sometimes. I went from not being able to stand for long periods of time or walking very far to being able to stand for much longer and walk five blocks without feeling like I'm on the verge of death. I can hold more than just a notebook in my hands and not shake and feel faint.
I am going to the gym more to get my strength back up and I am slowly noticing more and more improvement. I am able to say "I would not have been able to do this exercise this time last year but LOOK AT ME NOW!" alongside "oh my GOD this is a lot of weight who do you think I am?!"---but I can lift a weight, right? Not a big accomplishment for you, maybe...but for me? Well, I couldn't life a weight this time last year! So, look at me now.
Getting better means less doctors' appointments, but still going to doctors' appointments. But there are less of them and they are mostly just checkups and scans and you telling them that "well yeah, my back hurts a little but it's NOT from the chemotherapy or the cancer I actually just strained it working out" and "well yeah, I have a cold but I don't think it's my immune system being THAT shitty...I think it's because my friend's boyfriend literally sneezed at me the other day and now I'm sick. College! Ha." And getting better means less medication. You have no idea how much I missed the days where I didn't have to take a single thing to function normally. For a while there I was taking anti-nauseas once a day and anti-anxiety and anti-nausea pills just to sleep soundly. So I'm takin' less and I'm feelin' good for the most part.
Getting better means less people realizing that you even ever had a disease to deal with in the first place. This is where things get weird sometimes.
Some people have watched you through your entire journey with the disease. They are proud of you and say from time to time "you've gone through so much" and "you're looking so good" and "your hair is getting so long!"
And then there are new people you meet that have no idea what you've gone through and sometimes you almost feel like it's necessary that they know----after all, it has been a huge part of your life that has changed you indefinitely. But is it important that they know that you've struggled to become who you are now? That sometimes you do not take everything seriously because you taught yourself not to? That you do not take every little problem they take as seriously because you indeed, as said before in other blog posts, have gone through worse?
And when you do tell them will it totally put a damper on the conversation even though they did just ask why you have a scar or your neck? Most times, yes. Other times, the have stories to tell you about struggles of their own and funny (to me, at least) relatable stories that we can share in. Or they ask questions and you can inform them on something that you actually have something to say about.
But most importantly, and with the most amount of cheese,
Getting better means getting better and THAT is something to be proud of.
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